This Gift Sucks!

Navigating Terrible Presents

Among all of the wonderful things that Christmas can mean, in a capitalist society, Christmas means gifts, which can be both good and bad. For all the great presents you get from people who know what you want, there is also always a slew of gifts from distant relatives and associates who neither know nor care what you want for Christmas. In case you need to keep cordial with these people--if for no other reason than the fact that they will continue to send you more gifts each year, which you can return each year for stuff you actually want--here are a few guidelines for navigating terrible Christmas presents.

Receiving

The central idea with receiving gifts you don't like is to nip any suspicion that you might not like it in the bud. You will thank yourself later if you never has to answer for those crappy house slippers; the happier you look to be receiving a gift, the less likely someone is to check in on you in a few months to see if you are putting it to good use.

Fake It: You should have learned this long ago, but receiving a gift graciously face-to-face means learning how to to fake liking it. A few tips to help you along the way are as follows:

• Stock Phrases: Have a few stock phrases on hand for those occasions when you open a present that is so wrong (for you, or just in general) it leaves you speechless. Some classics that never seem to fail are "I've been needing one of these," "This is great!" or simply "Wow!" As sarcastic as all of these look in print, delivering them with a smile and a look of wonder can be a winning combination--especially when the gift is from some old codger who you only see once a year anyway.
• Take Notes: Once the presents start getting unwrapped, you need to immediately start keeping track of who gave you what. When you like the gift, remembering who gave it to you is easy; when the gift sucks, not so much. (Part two of this step--the Thank-You Note--is described below.)

Returning

If You Have a Receipt: What are you waiting for? Follow the steps below:

• Move Quickly: Post-Christmas means both big sales, so you may as well turn something you don't want into as much of what you do want as possible. Plus, the longer you sit on gifts you don't like, the less likely you will be to return them--what is going to make you think about gift you never liked in the first place and hid in the back of your closet? When you finally find it and get around to returning it, it may be too late.
• Be Aware of the Store's Returns Policy: This should be on the back of the receipt. Take note of how long you have to return something and whether you will be able to get cash or store credit for the return.
• Be Ruthless: Sentiment is not good for you. Don't worry about the intentions of the gift giver. The biggest irony of Christmas is that they probably hated shopping for it as much as you hated receiving it. If you want to put up with the gift and get some use out of it, good for you; if not, don't waste its worth--take it back ASAP.

If There's No Receipt: People often give up when the receive a crappy gift with no receipt, but you have options.

• Test a Store's Returns Policy: If there's ever a time when shoppers are going to show up at a store without a receipt, it's directly after Christmas. You may be surprised at how many stores suspend their "No Returns" policy immediately following Christmas. Simply put, it's bad for business. But move quickly, as the suspended policy may not last long.
• Ask for the Receipt from the Giver: It may sound tacky, but there are plenty of reasons you might need the receipt to return the item: it doesn't fit, it's damaged, you already have one, someone else got you the same thing, etc.
• Regift: If all else fails, use the gift as a gift for someone else. The cycle continues.

Covering Your Tracks

As mentioned in the "Receiving" section above, suggesting immediately that you like something is the easiest way to not be questioned about it later. The giver may question about the gift if they suspect that you didn't like it and might want to return it behind their back; or they may honestly just be upset that you didn't like the gift and are checking in to appease their interest in pleasing you. Either way, it's not fun to deal with. The following tips should allow you to stay out of contact with lame-gift-givers for an entire year.

• Thank-You Notes: Nothing says overtly that you appreciate a gift (and covertly that you want the giver to stay off your back) better than a simple note of thanks. With email, this gets easier all the time--save a draft in your outbox if you like.
• Use Your Notes: You should have been jotting down a few notes upon receiving the gifts in the first place. If you have to see anyone who gave you a gift for Christmas that you didn't like and returned, simply take a look to remind yourself what they got you--just in case it comes up, or, if you want to go out of the way, thank them for it again.
• Stay Out of Contact: Don't put yourself in a position to be asked about presents you've long since returned. Of course, most of the people who give you holiday gifts that you don't like aren't people you enjoy spending your time with anyway, so you've probably already taken this tip to hear. See that, you're already on your way to navigating terrible presents.

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